


Through the dark. (what makes you beautiful)

by pipelliot



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Camping, Depression, Established Merlin/Arthur, F/F, First Time Gwen/Morgana, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1970436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipelliot/pseuds/pipelliot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Merlin could have Arthur; if Arthur could love him and want him and make it work despite everything, then why couldn't Morgana have Gwen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the dark. (what makes you beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> **Please note!:** Contains a lot of references to mental illness; namely major depressive disorder (and associated symptoms: check the tags!) and anxiety. Two of the main characters are in recovery from self harming, so there are no graphic descriptions, just plenty of references.
> 
> Usual warnings: unbeta'd (I really need to find one of those...) and most probably riddled with mistakes. Bonus warning: One Direction! ♥

Morgana was inevitably screwed, and couldn't decide for sure whether she cared or not. Uther, of course, had been pushing her beyond anything she knew she was logically capable of, but then there was Arthur, and Doc Phillips, who told her that grades were secondary to well-being and that she absolutely needed to focus on de-stressing as much as possible. She needed to accept defeat and try to build herself back up, slowly and surly. Be able to pat herself on the back for doing the best she could at this time, and ever so simply switch off the booming voices in her head telling her to do otherwise. Telling her that that she has to find her own worth in _some_ aspect of her bloody existance, and if it's not being useful academically either, then what the hell was it?

She came out of the exam hall eventually, sweating and disgusting and her last exam complete, into the blistering heat and to what was quite possibly the loveliest sight she'd ever seen.

Gwen had changed out of the horribly stifling uniform since Geography that morning and into a gorgeous lilac, mid-thigh length sundress; tight curls pulled back and a strawberry sauce-laced ice cream cone in each hand. She was attempting to lick around her knuckles where the cone melted and dripped all over them, and was sat on the stone wall surrounding the school fountain, legs dangling and feet crossed at the ankles.

She was, without a single doubt, the most perfect thing Morgana had ever seen.

When she spotted Morgana, Gwen let out a little nervous giggle at herself and shrugged both shoulders before gesturing for Morgana to come join her. Gwen stuck out one cone-sticky hand and Morgana took the cone with a wide, genuine smile, catching sight of the tiny spot of ice cream Gwen managed to get on the tip of her nose.

"So how do I say that I was waiting for you without sounding like a creep?" Gwen asked, bright and friendly as usual but with a tiny blush that may or may not have been a consequence of the heat.

"Guinevere my love, you could never constitute as a creep." Morgana tried to sound as confident as possible, she really did. _'Fake it 'til you make it'_ Tyra always says, and Morgana likes to think she lives fairly contentedly via that particular philosophy. But it was all still somehow simultaneously incredibly difficult and the easiest thing in the world; all because of Gwen's stupid, adorable freckles.

Gwen beamed. "Why thank you my lady." She hopped off the wall and something shifted. She was suddenly much more visably nervous; her free hand fidgeting with her skirt (leaving sticky fingerprints) and her smile still in place as always but threatening to slip. She still held Morgana's eyes, unwavering, no matter what, like she does with everyone she meets. Gwen's made of much stronger stuff than Morgana is. "So anyway, I uh, yes. There was an actual reason for my creeping," she gave Morgana a small smile. "Listen, I was just wondering if you-- if you haven't found anyone yet that is-- but um, would you maybe want to share a tent with me? For the Ascetir trip?" Gwen bit her lip. "It's okay, obviously, if you don't, I just--"

Well, shit. "Gwen," Morgana promptly reached out a palm to wrap around Gwen's small but strong wrist, the skin soft and warm and all-around lovely. It was terrible and Morgana felt more than a bit ill. "I'd love to."

"Really?" Her face lit up, all sunshine and pure radiance; genuinely nothing like Morgana had ever seen. "Only, I've always liked you, Morgana, since Merlin and I came here, and I know Merlin and Arthur are obviously glued by the hip and the uh, genitals, but it's ridiculous that we have no classes together and I haven't spent as much time with you this year as I've wanted and I thought...well."

"You're adorable." Morgana couldn't help it. There Gwen was, in a lilac sundress, with ice cream on her nose and all over her hands (and dress), all blushing and flustered. It just slipped out, natural as breathing in that one moment, and leaving a kiss on Gwen's cheek right at that very moment somehow felt like it would be too. But Morgana very carefully avoided that.

Gwen blushed harder but rolled her eyes good-naturedly. It wasn't all that difficult to make Gwen blush, but that Morgana could always gave her these sickly little butterflies. 

"So that's a yes?" Gwen deterred.

"Of course it is," Morgana reassured, with the surest smile she could manage. 

"Perfect!" Before Morgana could politely ask if Gwen wanted to come back to hers, Gwen was frowning down at her floral-print One Direction wristwatch (oh my God, could she be any more brilliant) and saying she had to run, that she was due at the coffeeshop, and hugged around Morgana and her cone with an apology before Morgana could hardly get a word in edgeways.

"See you soon, then," Morgana half-mumbled, since Gwen was already feet away. Then, "Gwen, wait!"

Gwen stopped and turned immediately, curious. Morgana smirked and gestured towards her nose. "You have a little..."

Gwen looked confused for a second before letting out an "Oh!" and swiping a thumb down to the tip of her nose, lifting the ice cream with a giggle. "Thanks!"

Morgana gave her a wink, and with that Gwen was off again. But when she reached the school gates, she turned around and took a few steps backwards so she could give Morgana a little wave.

Morgana raised her cone with a nod in reply, to which Gwen gave a final thumbs up. 

When Gwen was out of sight, Morgana tried to finish her cone before her hand became perpetually sticky but her stomach wouldn't settle. She lay down on the wall with a sigh. She felt ill. And happy. And terrified. And giddy. And she's sure that one or all of the above can be associated with falling a bit in love. 

x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

Morgana pulled at the already-tattered sleeves of her ugly school jumper, stretching them over her knuckles. It's something she tries not to do, (appearances and all that) but it's a nervous thing. Sometimes when she needs all her focus to be quite distinctly on _staying in one piece_ , she can't much control the anxious bouts of energy that find small escapes in restless hair tugging and trembling, fidgeting hands.

"I know... Morgana, believe me, I _know_ you're scared. But Gwen's different. You know she is."

"Look, it's not like I think she'll run off screaming into the night or tell everyone at school or whatever. But how can I expect her to treat me the same? She just _won't_. People just _don't_."

"So, as a potential long-term friend, she'll have aquiared the knowledge that you have particular needs, worries and triggers, and she will figure out how to work with that and around it," Arthur interfered, sounding for all the world like Doc Phillips. "Morgana, that's hardly a bad thing. It's no different to distantly keeping in mind that you have an acute allergy to cherries."

Morgana rolled her eyes but couldn't help a little smile, because of course they would make it sound so pleasant and simple. Simple, simple boys. "But it's not though, is it? It's... weirder. Uncomfortable. Not everyone understands, let alone believes _mental disorders_ even exist. Like it's fucking black magic or something."

"Aaand the opinions of those people should gather exactly minus-ten-billion percent of your concerns," Merlin interjected. "Especially since Gwen is most definitely _not_ one of those people."

Morgana was kind of done with talking about it. She just wanted to go put on her pyjamas and dream about having a wonderful Saturday afternoon lie-in like everyone else, and very distinctly not think about packing or therapy or medication paired alongside the forthcoming annual end-of-year Ascetir Beach camping trip. For which she had agreed to share a tent with Gwen. In the forecasted thirty-five degree heat. With no excuse to wear layers. Or guarantees that she will sleep-- or, if she does sleep, that she won't thrash and sweat and scream and cry in her nightmares.

The boys had matching Looks of Concern on their pretty little faces and Morgana decided she'd had quite enough of that, thank you. "Anyway, change of subject." Morgana sat up and went over to the fridge to pick out a strawberry. "Merlin, what do you want?" She asked habitually.

"Whatever, don't mind," Merlin called back, distracted.

Morgana spent much longer than necessary with her head stuck in the fridge seeking out another strawberry. It was nice and cool in there. She wondered what Gwen's favourite fruit was. She wondered why she was so pathetic and hopeless. Then she told herself to shut up, and grabbed the whole tray of strawberries and the cream side-dish for Merlin.

She came back to Merlin giggling and showing Arthur something on his phone, to which Arthur was paying zero attention to. He just popped his chin on Merlin's shoulder and stared at him all creepy and intense and Arthur-like with stupid lovehearts in his eyes. Merlin was merrily oblivious, as always.

Morgana looked away, fiddled with her very much plain, expensive, non-One Direction-orientated watch and tugged at her sleeves some more.

"It'll be okay, 'Gana, promise. She'd be crazy to do anything but love you," Merlin said, soft but stern. Confident. He looked at her with his wide, lovely Serious Eyes that was much akin to Arthur's. 

Her eyes were inexplicably drawn to the way their fingers were laced between them, Arthur's thumb stroking gently, absentmindedly back and forth over Merlin's knuckle. Morgana stared at the gaps between her own fingers and wondered, not for the first time, if anyone else's could have been made especially to fit inbetween them. 

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x

"Morning." Merlin gave Morgana a soft, genuine smile. He was sat on a stool at the counter, hands wrapped around a mug, with spectacular bed hair and wearing a tee shirt from Arthur's wide, solely primary-coloured (with the occasional black or even grey) collection. It hung loosely from Merlin's slim frame, and Morgana knew he preferred it that way. 

"Morning, Merls." She went to the fridge to grab a juice box, caffeine being the very last thing she needed. Last night was particularly horrible, just lying there, tossing and turning for hours as her thoughts got progressively more annoying and paranoid and painful as every garish blue minute passed merrily by on her alarm clock. And then around five am she fell asleep, yes, but woke up every 20 minutes on the dot sweaty and disgusting. Sometimes short of breath, and always crying.

She knew she looked awful, but Merlin is one of very few people who don't flinch when they look her in the eye. Especially without make-up. She pulled up a stool opposite and sipped on the straw to her juice, which made Merlin's smile grow even more.

"Shut up, Merlin."

"It's so cute, though."

They sat in companionable silence. Merlin didn't look at her with pity, or embarassingly naked concern; didn't ask if she was okay, because she obviously wasn't and he knew there was nothing he could do about it anyway.

Merlin's scars lined his upper arms. They were old and white and messy, all shapes and sizes, often overlapping. But because of where they were, he was apparently not all that suicidal and not necessarily An Emergency; even though he had confessed to Morgana, _twice_ , that he was really fucking close.

Merlin and Gwen were from a small town called Ealdor just on the outside of Camelot County. Two years ago the council shut down the only hospital in that area, forcing it's inhabitants to travel a two-hour drive to get any kind of proper medical assistance. Thus, _voila_ , Morgana met Merlin before he and Gwen moved into the city and switched to Camelot Secondary. They went to the same local support groups, met with the same psychologists and pshychiatrists and spent a lot of time in waiting rooms together. Merlin was a shining light even then. Morgana was inexplicably drawn to him, like most people were. Like Arthur was.

Morgana's scars perfectly lined her forearms and wrists. Thus, for a while, Morgana was a Concern. They were in emaculate lines, precisely spaced and all relatively the same size. Some of them were old and faded, but too many were still angry and pink and raised. Ugly. A constant reminder: _you're not quite there yet, sweetheart_.

Six months ago, when it was decided that Morgana was a fairly significant threat to herself, everyone thought it would be for the best to put her in the Psych House for kids for three weeks. Uther never visited (Arthur and Morgana weren't even sure where he was at that point, he generally just left them with enough money to occupy the too-large estate by themselves), Arthur did four times a week. Merlin was the only friend she told them to let in. 

They've cried on eachother; soaked eachothers shirts in their disgusting, snotty tears, they've hit eachother, slept on eachother, told eachother things they've never told anyone else. Morgana has laid her exhausted head on Merlin's lap while she described a particularly frequent nightmare wherein she basically turns on everyone she loves, and everyone gives up and turns on her too-- and she's held Merlin while he cried about loneliness, exams, urges, how he hated himself for being so helpless and burdening his mum so much, how he hated himself full stop. Everything.

Morgana took him in now, scars covered by the over-large sleeves of Arthur's blue shirt, (even though he'd definitely filled out since those first few months she knew him) and sleepy eyes still somehow managing to sparkle. To be _alive_. She adores Merlin and her brother, and as far as she's concerned it's pretty much the best thing in the world to have them be the best thing that's ever happened to eachother.

She couldnt help the way her eyes were drawn to Merlin's sleeves. If Merlin minded, he didn't show it.

"I never..." She started before she even realised. Merlin didn't object, though, so she kept going. "How did Arthur react? When you first told him?"

Merlin looked away, biting his lip. Morgana worried that she'd gone too far and started to apologise, but Merlin only shook his head gently before looking at her again. 

"I didn't tell him, actually," he admited quietly, sliding a palm up and down his arm as if he were cold. "He found me. Mum had told him to go straight up to my room... I'd fallen asleep, I was crying and exhausted and I'd left the blade just lying there with a load of red-soaked tissues and my shirt pulled off." 

Merlin scrubbed a hand over his face with a sigh. "He um. Obviously he wasn't exactly pleased. And his temper always gets the first say, of course. When he's upset his first instinct is to either, like, destroy the source or get angry at it. So he was mad that I did it and that I didn't tell him or call him for help instead. But eventually he calmed down, and apologised, and cleaned up for me and cuddled me and kissed my cheek and my nose to make me giggle and told me that he loved me," he smiled then, all glassy-eyed. "We weren't together then, so that was the first pretty decent-sized clue for me."

Morgana rolled her eyes, but couldn't even deny to herself how much she loved her brother in that moment. Or how jealous she was. She also couldn't deny that there were times that all she wanted was for someone to burst in, see her in a bloody mess, and yell at her and hug her and tell her over and over again that they couldn't live without her. Christ, what does that say about her?

"Anyway, my point is--"

"I just asked you a question, sugarplum, didn't ask for you to preach at me."

" _My point is,_ " Merlin merrily ignored her, "that you have to let people have their reactions. 'Cos, I mean, they might cry, or get pissed off at you, or be all disappointed or whatever. But that's just something you have to accept and bulldoze-through. The next part, though, that's what counts. And, Gana, the people who are worth it? They stick around."

He reached out for her hand with both of his. They were lovely and warm around her perpetually-freezing ones. "And Gwen's one of those people," he whispered with a smirk and a ridiculous wink.

Morgana tugged her hand back and gave his a slap. Merlin feigned the pain of a thousand broken bones and accused Morgana of being the "wickedest soul in all the land" just in time for Arthur to walk in the door all red faced in his mucked-up football kit, hair all matted and disgusting and sticking to his forehead. 

"Arthur, your sister just assaulted me," Merlin twisted the stool around so he could immediately pout in Arthurs direction as Arthur set down his gear bag.

Arthur put on his best Concerned Face as he approached him, taking Merlin's face gently in his hands, lips inches away from his before whispering softly, "You probably deserved it."

Merlin slapped him away and Arthur laughed, stealing the last of Merlin's tea (because Arthur is a freak who actually likes cold tea) and stealing a kiss anyway.

"You're disgusting," Morgana and Merlin said at the same time.

Arthur only proceeded to wrap himself around Merlin from behind and gave Morgana a big cheesy grin while his hand automatically saught out Merlin's to link their fingers.

 _I could actually have that_ , Morgana found herself thinking for the first time.

Arthur used his free hand to reach over and grab an apple out of the fruit basket. "Did you take your--" he mumbled ever-elequently around it, juice threatening to dribble down his chin.

" _Yes_ ," Merlin groaned half-heartedly, flipping a page of what Morgana was willing to bet was the Niall Horan interview she found in the little glossy mag that comes with the newspaper. 

Arthur (somehow) frowned around the apple, picked up a pen and promptly scribbled something on Niall's face. He snorted, clearly pleased with his work, and Merlin rewarded him with an elbow to the ribs. 

"You just fancy him cos he's blond," Arthur grumbled.

"He is? I never noticed," Merlin smirked, and Arthur pouted for a whole ten minutes.

 _Maybe not that_ , she amended. Mostly because Morgana could appreciate One Direction, and Arthur was just a jealous, possessive bastard.

 

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

Gwen tossed her garish orange rucksack into the boot of Arthur's car. She was wearing these adorable pink shorts and a pretty sun-yellow string top with a lace lining. She had red-rimmed sunglasses sat on top of her head and an honest-to-god _poppy_ tucked into her curls. Morgana was positively dumbfounded as to how someone so perfect could actually exist.

She was greatful for the slight early morning chill, letting her pull on her light cardigan. Merlin wore a tee shirt as always, his "Mad Man With a Box" Doctor Who one, his favourite. He had the sleeves rolled up, old scars on show without a care in world.

"All set?" Arthur asked, hand shielding his eyes from the blinding sun.

Merlin climbed into the passenger seat while Morgana and Gwen sat in the back. The journey was largely spent with Merlin taking over radio duty and producing a mix CD he had conveniently lying in his duffel bag, to which he sang with at a steadily increasing volume. Arthur of course tried his hardest to shut him up but also not to laugh too obviously, Gwen happily hummed along and Morgana was losing it completely over Merlin's very earnestly attempted Whitney notes.

But the best parts were when Gwen would try to catch Morgana's eye to share a smile, or how she'd reach out for Morgana's arm when she laughed or talked about something particularly exciting. Morgana couldn't stop smiling. In that hour she wasn't nervous about anyone, wasn't sad about anything. There was a white-hot ball of heat in her belly, sure-- but it was the pleasant kind. The kind she wouldn't mind sticking around as long as Gwen kept looking at her like that.

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

Together, they were the first to pitch their own tent, and already had the campfire more or less assembled before the lot of them could figure out where to stick which pole where. But after gloating sufficiently, Gwen of course dove straight into helping everyone else. 'Cause she's a good person and all that.

Anyway, it was just a bit past noon and already scorching hot by the time they were all set up and in the water. And because they were all the most mature bunch, activities of course began with a piggyback war; Lance and Gwaine, Elena and Percy, Mithian and Leon and Gwen and Merlin. It was indeed a fierce battle. Thus, Morgana felt it best she stayed on the sidelines lest her first aid was immediately required. She also didn't want to take of her beach shawl. 

Arthur, complete with douchey aviators, dropped beside her where she was busy not calculating the cuteness level of both Gwen and Merlin combined. 

"So what's your excuse?" She asked.

Arthur tilted his head a little. Morgana didn't need to see behind the shades to know where he was looking, of course. Merlin's individual laughter could be heard from where they were; Gwaine tickling him mercilessly opposite.

"Don't have one, I guess."

"You're such a creep. You just want to check him out."

"Maybe," he grinned. "Or maybe I just like seeing him happy."

Morgana paused. "...you mean, seeing him happy without you?"

Arthur's smile dimmed to nothing. "I _mean_ , he just needs to give himself more credit, that's all."

Morgana understands, she does, but something still knots unpleasantly in her stomach. 

"Yeah, well. Don't go giving him any cause to believe he _needs_ to be happy without you, alright?" It came out a little more venomously than she intended, but her point still stood. 

Arthur turned to her immediately, mouth twitching unhappily downward at the corners. "Jesus 'Gana, I didn't mean--"

"I know. I'm sorry, I know." She gave him a tight, apologetic smile and patted his hand reassuringly. 

The Merwen Vessel had since nobley collapsed, and Gwen and Merlin were both making their way to the shore, giggling and hanging off of each other. 

"Arthur!" Merlin jogged over and shamelessly sat directly on Arthur's lap, straddling him, and pouted. "Guinevere has abandoned me in my desperate hour of need. I need you." And because Merlin is a dreadful manipulater, he fluttered his long, dark, glistening lashes while he smoothed both of his palms down the length of Arthur's chest and around to press against the small of Arthur's back, fingertips sliding just beneath the elastic of Arthur's shorts; visably making Arthur shiver and bite his lip. 

"Excellent!" Merlin stole a quick, sweet kiss and before Arthur could get a single word out Merlin already had him by the hand and as far as the tide.

"I don't know whether it's disgusting, adorable, or disgustingly adorable," Gwen laughed, stretched out beside Morgana, palms digging into the sand behind her. She was certainly a sight to behold... and while Gwen threw her head back and closed her eyes against the sun, behold Morgana did. She wore this maroon bikini that looked absolutely scrumptious against her dark skin, and Morgana's hands were sort of twitching with the need to cup her hands around Gwen's small waist; to slide her fingers along the steep curve to her hips. And, Lord, that _cleavage_...

Gwen had apparently opened her eyes at some point and was smirking at her, but Morgana didn't miss the quickly darkening flush in her cheeks. Still, _goddamn it_ was she sexy. "You okay, Mor?" 

Morgana had decided at the time that the best course of action would be to simply roll her eyes and reach out beside her for Gwen's discarded One Direction floral monstrosity of a watch to change the subject.

"Who's your favourite, then?" Morgana asked (probably too loudly) swiping the sand off the glass with her thumb.

Gwen was quiet for a moment, before stretching back fully; folding her arms behind her head and popping her chest out even more noticeably, because she is every inch a horrible tease as Merlin.

"Harry."

"Really?" Morgana would have guessed Liam; the conventionally handsome one. Or Zayn, who actually looks like a beautful prince straight out of a fairytale.

"Of course. Dark curls, bright green eyes. What's not to like?" She actually _winked_. Morgana swallowed. Hard. She thinks she's so clever, doesn't she? Stupid... freckles. And smirk. And cleavage. Good god.

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

Then shit happened; supposedly set off by the eventual and inevitable appearance of alcohol that Merlin and Morgana were _very, very, very much discouraged_ from consuming whilst on their meds (and in general, because, uh, yeah-- major depressant). The campfire was long since alight and they had all scoffed down their shares of microwave-ready pancakes. They were all circled around it, full and happy and laughing-- and then Arthur turned down a drink.

It kind of spiralled from there (as unnoticably as they could manage; but blessed be the day Merlin and Arthur were anything close to unnoticeable).

Gwen and Morgana had sat side by side all evening, inching ever-closer together as the hours passed. Gwen laid an apologetic hand on Morgana's wrist. "I have to go see if he's okay." 

Morgana nodded. She'd go after Arthur.

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

Arthur, of course, could not find much purchase in beating the sand with a stick or splashing manfully about in the water, so obviously the best alternative was to wander off to the end of the shore to the rock ridge and find the largest pebbles that would make the most satisfying splash.

"What happened?"

"The same thing that always fucking happens." He winced that time, given that he swung his arm in such away that could only suggest he was _trying_ to dislocate it. The pebble, sadly, made no more aggressive of a splash than the others.

"Except this time it was in the form of him being angry with me for _not_ drinking. _Obviously_ ," he grunted, paused to throw another stream of pebbles. It was near impossible to even _see_ the splashes or where they actually landed, since it was a fair few hours past sun-down, but Morgana supposed that wasn't really the point.

He stopped then, scrubbing his no-doubt filthy hands into his hair and slumping down on a rock with a sigh, defeated. "Obviously," he spoke more calmly, "My decision not to drink _at this particular time_ constitutes as me sacrificing my precious happiness for him."

The moonlight was enough to let Morgana see just how upset he was. She squeezed up beside him, lifting her knees up so she could wrap her arms around them. She looked out into the darkness, listening to the gentle tides and the distant laughter while she waited for him to continue.

"He gets like this every now and then. He gets it into his head that he's an absolute burden, that I'd be much better off without him, that I deserve someone better. It's--" he pauses to let out a dry laugh, "it's fucking ridiculous. Like, how can he not _know_ \-- how much more obvious can I be? Everyone has their problems and, yeah, okay, some have it much more difficult than others but I bloody _accept that_ and I fucking _adore_ him _despite_ and fucking _because_ of it."

Morgana could obviously over-identify with Merlin on this one but she never... She never much stopped to think about it from the outside. You're just so convinced in your little bubble of perceived total and utter self-awareness that you're completely right in this-- that no one could ever really love you, that anyone who tries is just wasting their time, that anyone who thinks they already do is saddling themselves with a totally avoidable inconvenience--and that it's _your_ responsibility to make that choice for them and push them away. You don't really leave room for _what if it's not as big a factor as you think it is? What if they like you anyway?_

Morgana put a hand on Arthur's knee. "It's not your fault." Arthur snorted at that.

"I mean it," she persisted. "This is just the kind of shit Merlin has to deal with every now and then. Sure, it's a bitch, but he'll get past it. And the feeling of guilt will tone itself down again eventually, all you need to do is be there when he comes out of this."

Arthur kicked his heels into the stone. "I know," he said quietly. "He always does. It's just. I hate seeing him like this, y'know?"

Morgana rested her head on his shoulder. "I think...," she began, "I think you just need to remind him that this doesn't have to be as...you know, _big_ as he thinks it does."

"Well, what do you suggest?" Arthur sounded very skeptical, but also curious, which was good.

"Give him a little while with Gwen. Let him calm down first."

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

By the time they got back, Gwen had already gotten Merlin back to the campfire, smiling (however tightly) with a blanket around his shoulders and a mug of hot chocolate in his hands. Morgana surveyed the happy (probably slightly tipsy at this point) faces around the fire, Gwaine already with his guitar out, and gave Arthur one last pat on the back and a (hopefully) discreet thumbs up. The moment Merlin spotted them his eyes widened and he made to move over to them, but when Arthur was clearly crossing over to Gwaine, he sat back and bit his lip while Gwen shot Arthur a glare and gave Morgana a curious look. Arthur sat cross-legged beside Gwaine and whispered something that made him go all glassy-eyed and hug tackle him. Elena laughed, and Leon was very obviously trying to stifle his giggles, but Lance looked very sincerely like he might cry, and for the most part there was lots of enthusiastic head-nodding and supportive, manful pats on the back all-round. 

Merlin was looking miserably into his mug and Gwen was inbetween frowning at the others and whispering into Merlin's ear. Morgana went over to them, Mithian giving her a small smile and scooting over so Morgana could sit on Merlin's other side and wrapped an arm around his waist. Merlin gave her a watery smile but went back to despairingly imploring the depths of his mug soon after. Gwen gave Morgana a concerned look, but Morgana nodded slightly over to where Arthur was slinging Gwaine's guitar around his neck with a very sincere, determined face. She frowned deeper for a moment before her eyes lit up, and her hand came up to her mouth to try and stifle the beam that was quickly forming. 

_"What would you do if someone, like, sang a song to you?" Merlin asked randomly after the tears had stopped coming; pink-cheeked, red-eyed and utterly exhausted._

_Morgana cringed. "Uh. Probably run away and cease all forms of contact immediately. And seriously contemplate changing my name."_

_Merlin, ever the little hopeless romantic that he was, snuggled in closer to Morgana and agreed very half-heartedly._

Arthur wasn't exactly a horrendous singer, but he was no Patrick Stump either. The most important thing was that he was (mostly) in tune, could play a few chords on guitar, and that he obviously loved Merlin very, very much.

A quiet descended around the fire while the first couple of introduction chords were strummed. Merlin looked up curiously, spotting Arthur and frowning. Gwen reached her free hand behind Merlin's back and Morgana let go of Merlin's waist to grab it. Her other hand was behind her own back with her fingers crossed. Arthur took a deep breath and looked sorely in Merlin's direction.

_"I've tried playing it cool..."_

Gwen squealed and nearly broke Morgana's fingers. Morgana moved the hand that was crossing her fingers into her mouth to stop from laughing out-right.

Merlin was almost comically wide-eyed, knuckles going white where they clutched too tightly onto the mug. Morgana (very regrettably) let go of Gwen's hand to gently ease the mug out of his hands where any ceramics could be broken and injuries caused. 

_"But boy, when I'm looking at you..."_

Merlin painfully clutched onto Morgana and Gwen's knees instead. "Oh god," he croaked.

That was when Arthur started to look less like he might pierce holes through Merlin with his stare and instead cracked a little smirk.

 _I can't ever be brave, 'cause you make my heart race."_ The idiot actually winked, and Merlin properly beamed for the first time.

Gwaine slowly started a clap-along then and they all joined in-- Gwaine, Elena and Lance even starting to sing some sort of back-up. This obviously gave Arthur a bit more confidence. He stood up and sang the next verse while doing a slow little shimmy towards Merlin, pausing for little silly sways and twirls.

_"Shot me out of the sky, you're my kryptonite. You keep making me weak; yeah, frozen, I can't speak."_

_Something's gotta give now, 'cause I'm dying just to make you see, that I need you here with me now..."_ Morgana snuck a peak at Merlin, who looked like he might cry; a lot of it probably from pure embarrassment, Morgana wagered. But most of it was absolute joy, that was pretty obvious. 

Gwen moved away over to Morgana's side as Arthur got closer, her knees pressed firmly against Morgana's and her face full of pure, unadulterated delight as Arthur stood in her place. Merlin looked up at him simutaneously like he was going to slap him and also like he would pretty much marry him then and there. 

Arthur crouched awkwardly, smiling at Merlin for all the world like he _was_ marrying him then and there. _"'Cause you've got that--"_ he leaned in to quickly peck Merlin on the cheek, making Merlin laugh, and everyone else _Awww_ collectively, particularly the boys. _"--one thing."_

Everyone boomed in for the chorus, getting up on their feet and hanging off each other; much like Glee, if the cast of Glee shouted rather than sang at the top of their lungs and kicked over beer cans amidst their co-ordinated performances. Arthur quickly pulled off the guitar and threw it to the side, having apparently completely abandoned One Direction in favour of pulling Merlin up on his feet and grabbing him around the waist. That's where he paused, but it only took Merlin a second to cup Arthur's jaw and lean in to kiss him soundly, mouthing "I'm sorry" against Arthur's lips when he could stop smiling. 

_"SO GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT OF MY HEAD,"_ belted the group, and it was then that Morgana found herself being pulled up by Gwen, trying her best to sing around her ginormous grin, and grabbing Morgana's hands. She twirled Morgana and jumped and bounced her head from side to side ridiculously. She was completely sober, too. Morgana didn't think she could ever have a crush on any other person _ever_. 

_"And fall into my arms instead..."_ Merlin and Arthur continued to grope and make out merrily ignorant to all that was happening around them. Gwen's hands slipped out of Morgana's and instead slowly found her waist. She gave Morgana a smile that was both shy and suggestive, then bit her lip, and Morgana was fucking _gone_.

_It doesn't have to be a big deal, remember?_

Morgana looped her arms around Gwen's neck and teased for a moment, nuzzling Gwen's cheek until she could stop smiling, rubbing their noses together slightly, then lightly grazing their lips before. Before. 

_"I don't know what it is, but I need that one thing. And you've got that one thing."_

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

The tents were more or less forgotten as the fire died and everyone fell asleep on each other. Except Merlin and Arthur, they'd excused themselves and retired to their tent quite some time ago. Thankfully the moaning and insistent rustling had since calmed to nothing, as the sky turned into an indigo blue too early in the morning. 

Morgana's eyelids just didn't want to stay open. She didn't think she'd ever been more comfortable in her life; Gwen's steadily beating heart against her back, her warm, strong arms wrapped around Morgana's shoulders. Morgana was languidly playing with Gwen's fingers while Gwen rested a chin on her shoulder. 

"Gwen?" she asked quietly. Gwen hummed, and Morgana pretty much adored how she could feel it. 

"I'm not very well." 

Gwen just snuggled closer, placing a little kiss beside Morgana's ear. It should have been too soon, too intimate, but it wasn't. It was just... right. Any nerves that were left fluttering around in her belly dissolved in that moment. 

"I don't often sleep. But when I do, it's... well, it's a nightmare." She let herself have a bit of a giggle-snort at that one. "I don't want to freak you out." 

"I'm not. I won't be. I promise." And Morgana believed her completely. 

"I met Merlin before you moved to Camelot. We went to the same Care Centre. I was..." She rustled up her sleeve, stretched out a forearm, a wrist. 

Morgana could hear Gwen swallow. "You were the girl," she nearly whispered. "You're the girl Merlin visited that summer." 

Gwen settled a gentle hand on the bend of Morgana's elbow. "Are they... Can I...?" 

Morgana placed her hand over Gwen's and guided her fingers to the perfectly-spaced lines that stood out much darker in the dim light on her pale skin. Gwen traced her fingertips ever-lightly at first; but when she saw that it didn't hurt Morgana she touched with more confidence. Morgana always wondered what it would feel like to have someone touch her like this, if she'd only feel the urge to pull her arm away. But she didn't. She wasn't ashamed. It was just... another part of her. 

"Merlin calls them his _Battle Scars_ ," Gwen said softy, fond smile evident in her voice. 

Morgana couldn't really help one of her own, but tried to cover it up with a snort. "Of course he does." 

"I think it's pretty accurate," Gwen continued defiantly. "They're kinda like, _Don't fuck with me, I've beaten the worst. I could destroy you._ " 

Morgana covered her mouth to stifle the laugh, but didn't wholly succeed. Gwaine mumbled something in his sleep and twisted inward in Lance's lap. The sky was starting to become a perfect blend of violet and orange. Morgana couldn't ever remember being happier. 

"I just wanted you to know," was the last thing Morgana rememberd saying that night. The very last thing she rememberd overall was the way Gwen kissed her hair and pulled her closer. 

And it really was that simple after all. 

+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+x+

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! Just a quick note to say that I do apologise if anyone finds this particular representation of depression/anxiety/self harm recovery glaringly incorrect, but it is entirely based off of my own personal first-hand experiences and I'm certainly not trying to say that all sufferers go through the same processes and troubles. Thank you for reading! xoPip


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